Fruit o’ the Loon
’07 Installment # 7
If I have failed to offend everyone, I’m sorry.
NOTABLE QUOTES
1. Virtuoso cellist, Pablo Casals was 94 and still practicing three hours a day and when someone asked him, “Why do you still practice three hours a day?” He replied, “I’m beginning to see some improvement.” The Loon used to own a saxophone, and, with it, the crazy illusion that someone might someday pay money to watch him blow his breath down into it. But alas, the Loon has a jittery mind, one which could not tolerate the tedium of practice. To carry the thought further, the curmudgeonly Loon tolerates poorly five things: boredom, TV preachers, politicians talking, advertisements of almost any kind, and something else which has temporarily slipped his mind. I see the Cherokees have voted to de-list* all Cherokees who have any African-American blood. This made me wonder if the Cherokees would similarly vote to de-list all Cherokees who have European-American and Asian-American blood. What does this has to do with Pablo Casals? Nothing, but, Hey! The Loon already told you he has a jittery “can’t-stay-on-task” mind.
*A fancy word meaning” throw out of the tribe”
2. “The most important thing in music is what is not in the notes.” Pablo Casals 1878-1973
3. “Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for Virginity” reported to have been written in the men’s room of The Bayou in Baton Rouge, LA**.
** The original was reported to have been written over the urinal at the Wright Field Officer’s Club in Dayton Ohio, and read “Fighting for Peace is like Fucking for Chastity”
CRAZY AL’S NEWS DIGEST
New York City is going to the Rodents? There were rats seen frolicking after hours in a NYC KFC/Taco Bell restaurant, and a beaver was sighted in the Bronx River. Look, Crazy Al understands that almost anything even slightly unusual in NYC is considered newsworthy, but gimmie a break. Talk about your slow news day.
“46 Nations support ban on cluster bombs” Crazy Al seems to remember reading that some Pope some time way back declared the crossbow illegal as a weapon of war. Why? Apparently it was just too easy to kill people with a crossbow. Something or other about crossbows in war not being sporting enough. Also, Crazy Al has heard that shoulder-fired 50 caliber rifles (Yes, Hillary, there are such things) are not to be fired at people, but only at vehicles and such. Crazy Al may have to look up the definition of “War”?
“Obama gets warm welcome in Austin” This headline was under a photo of Obama wearing a black cowboy hat. Several crucial questions come to mind. Was he given a black cowboy hat? Or, was he offered a choice between a black cowboy hat and a white cowboy hat? If he had the choice, why did he prefer the black Cowboy hat? What does all of this say about America? Crazy Al is going to have to think some more about this.
Anna Nicole, and Brittany, Pleeeze! Enough already! Spread the notoriety around; millions of American young people in the “look-at-me” generation are desperately in need of it. These young people are “special”, and why should they believe otherwise, when they have heard “you are special” like a mantra for lo these many years. Five psychologists (perhaps known as the “Gang of Five”) did a study which collected and analyzed 16,475 interviews of college students from 1967 and 2006 in order to determine the level of narcissism. Is it any surprise that the level is rising? Nope! See, teachers have been pumping generous amounts of “self-esteem” sunshine up special little asses ever since the 1980s
“South losing senior appeal” This was headline for an article about the 75 year old and up retirees who are leaving the south for harsher climes up north. The net effect of population migration for the south is negative. Between 2000 and 2005, 121,000 left the south and 87,000 early boomers arrived. Strangely the article lists several causes but not the weather. Crazy Al, sez many of the ones moving north have been through one or more hurricanes, and don’t s’pect they’s gonna go through ‘nother, but, on the other hand, the retiring Boomers are mostly hurricane-naive. In an allied story, weather weenies are predicting a return of el Nina with its accompanying return of high hurricane frequency in the Atlantic. Animals get uneasy right before an earthquake; can oldsters have some extra-sensory prescience about hurricanes?
“Garlic study deflates (the) herb’s health claims” and “Antioxidants not tied to longevity, study shows” Crazy Al wants to know what was wrong with the studies which showed that Garlic lowered blood cholesterol levels, and antioxidants would make you live longer? And, why should we trust these new studies more? Well, I suppose we will just have to limp along with Garlic curing heart disease, cancer, infections and mosquito bites, and antioxidants keeping cells from dying. Is it an illogical leap to conclude that if your cells never die, why should you?
In yet another folk myth exploded (maybe), a headline reads, “Study: Immigrants do not increase the U.S. crime rate”. It seems that those men born inside the U.S. are five times more likely to be incarcerated than those born outside the U.S. The study was conducted by “The Immigration Policy Center” an Immigration advocacy group in Washington. Crazy Al wants to go on record as favoring immigration, and favoring the rule of law, and that is all he is gonna say about any of it.
Found in a residential Jerusalem neighborhood: Jesus’ bones in a box, his wife, Mary’s, bones in a box, and Jesus’ son, Judah’s, bones in a box” If you think Crazy Al is going to comment on that, you must think he is really crazy. However, I will make one prediction; if retiring Christian Boomers try to move into that Jerusalem neighborhood, they better get going soon, because property values are going to skyrocket.
THE LOON’S SECRET LIFE AS AN AMATEUR HERPETOLOGIST (ACTUALLY, A SNAKE LOVER**)
**. He loves their cute little licky tongues, loves their unblinking serious eyes, loves that skin which is cool to the touch. He’s serious, but, as you may have guessed, also weird.
Everyone gets a nickname at summer camp. The Loon’s was “Nature-Lover” All the other boys were carving sticks with their pocket knives. The Loon carved his thumb to the bone, and so, he then did what he really wanted to do all along, try to capture a Blue-tailed Skink. He never did, but he captured a few Blue-tailed Skink tails. From such humble beginnings a zoologist was born. He then climbed trees to gather the cocoons of large moths, and collected snakes and Box Turtles-- the lady upstairs, Mrs. Goeke, told me I would get warts if I touched the snakes and turtles—the collection included a dozen Box turtles and a bunch of Garter Snakes, and so, Mrs. Goeke, ostensibly fearing a neighborhood epidemic of warts, paid some villain to steal all of my reptiles one dark night. From such beginnings, there developed a persistent dislike for bitchy yahoo ladies who lived up-stairs.
Naturally, the Loon wanted to work in the Reptile House at the St. Louis Zoo. Unfortunately zoo curator, George Vierheller***, said 13 year olds can only work selling bottled soda at the concession stand. What could he do? Anyway, during breaks at the concession stand, he went up to the Reptile House to chat-up the reptile curator, Moody Lentz, and bond with the snakes.
*** The sole Principal Curator of the St. Louis Zoo for the first 40 years of its existence.
The Loon’s early hero was herpetologist, Raymond L. Ditmars who collected animals for zoos from all over the world, and who wrote several entertaining books. The one which caught the Loon’s imagination was entitled “The Making of Scientist”. Now the Loon was strolling down his life path, or so he thought. However, a mild attack of juvenile delinquency, a job as a Coca Cola truck driver, and a stint in the Air Force as a teletype operator, diverted him from his life road into one cul-de-sac after another. He got back on the road later, sort of, but, by then, he was distracted by a series of unforeseen events; an education, a marriage, three kids and a bunch of jobs. The Loon is still searching for snakes, but has not found boo—too damned busy running around the country dancing and scribbling out these Fruits o’ the Loon.
Back in the day, the three best zoos were the London Zoological Garden, which had the largest collection of animals, the San Diego Zoo which had a climate favorable for creating outside natural environment enclosures for animals, and the St. Louis Zoo which had the second largest collection of animals, some unique barrier-free enclosures for viewing animals, and free admission (always).
The Loon is not altogether a zoo freak, but he has gone to zoos in Nagoya Japan, Hanover Germany, Bern Switzerland, Washington D.C., San Diego, Cincinnati, Minnesota, Lincoln Park in Chicago, and San Antonio where they have the world’s finest collection of exotic hoofed animals as breeding pairs.
When the Loon was working in Germany he had the distinct privilege of autopsying an Atlantic Bottle-nosed Dolphin, but that is another long, scientific edifying and humorous story—later!
While working in Covington LA, the Loon has a pleasant afternoon lunch with Norman Jones, who was an Army Master Sergeant, and, as an aside, he was THE international authority on caged non-human primates. Norman knew the locations, ages, personal idiosyncrasies, and names of every caged Gorilla, Orangutan, and Chimpanzee (Bonobos included) in the world. This information, and a lot of other germane information, he kept inside his head. Norman had a large round head. The reason why the Loon was invited to this lunch with Norman Jones was because, at the time, the Loon was the staff pathologist for a U.S. Navy study on impact and vibration injury using eight mature Chimpanzees and a bunch of volunteer young Marines. The Marines where trying to get out of duty in Viet Nam, the Chimpanzees, press-ganged into the study, were trying to get out of their cages. A young Marine is a formidable creature, but a mature Chimpanzee is even more formidable and, even if sober and not angry, can be unpredictable and damned dangerous. But, I am getting away from my story—back to the snakes.
Working in southern Louisiana was a God-sent. The area is rife with snakes. Where the Loon lived, there were plenty of snakes: Salt and Pepper snakes, Black Snakes, and one of the most interesting of all domestic non-poisonous snakes, the Hog Nosed Snake which will hiss menacingly and spread out like a Cobra if threatened, but if that doesn’t work, it will play possum by pretending to go into a seizure and die, and while doing so shit all over itself. This then presents a predator with a loathsome meal. We had Cottonmouth Water Moccasins in the pond and, and colorful Copperheads slithering though the pine needles. The Loon loved it. He was 42 years old and he went wading out into the southern Louisiana swamps, ostensibly to trap crawfish to eat, but in reality, he went to catch snakes. This, however, it did not make him a hero in the eyes of his wife and three daughters.
ACE HARDWARE VS HOME DEPOT (A COMPARISON)
It is not often that the Loon goes into an Ace Hardware to buy esoteric hardware such as a right–handed Murphy pin, a 40 mm mini-blivit, or some weird type of light bulb that Ace doesn’t have what he want. And, he usually can promptly get a guy in a red shirt to take him right to what he need. The Loon does not have that same experience at Home Depot stores where he seldom finds a person to help him, and if he does get the attention of workers, they don’t take him to what he want, but rather, they tell him where to go. Often it is to the wrong aisle (once he asked three workers and got directions to three different aisles). AND, while a Home Depot store has a lot of stuff, they seldom have what the Loon wants. What’s goin’ on here, Ace Hardware stores are little bitty, and Home Depot stores are huge? Well, perhaps the difference lies in the fact that each Ace Hardware store is privately owned, and each Home Depot store is owned by a huge corporation which has, apparently, overpaid its executives, not hired enough people, and seldom carries what the Loon needs. This is what the Loon calls a revolting development.
Allen Hall, the Loon
March 5, 2007 in sunny warm south Texas, ‘n don’t y’all fugit it.
’07 Installment # 7
If I have failed to offend everyone, I’m sorry.
NOTABLE QUOTES
1. Virtuoso cellist, Pablo Casals was 94 and still practicing three hours a day and when someone asked him, “Why do you still practice three hours a day?” He replied, “I’m beginning to see some improvement.” The Loon used to own a saxophone, and, with it, the crazy illusion that someone might someday pay money to watch him blow his breath down into it. But alas, the Loon has a jittery mind, one which could not tolerate the tedium of practice. To carry the thought further, the curmudgeonly Loon tolerates poorly five things: boredom, TV preachers, politicians talking, advertisements of almost any kind, and something else which has temporarily slipped his mind. I see the Cherokees have voted to de-list* all Cherokees who have any African-American blood. This made me wonder if the Cherokees would similarly vote to de-list all Cherokees who have European-American and Asian-American blood. What does this has to do with Pablo Casals? Nothing, but, Hey! The Loon already told you he has a jittery “can’t-stay-on-task” mind.
*A fancy word meaning” throw out of the tribe”
2. “The most important thing in music is what is not in the notes.” Pablo Casals 1878-1973
3. “Fighting for Peace is like Screwing for Virginity” reported to have been written in the men’s room of The Bayou in Baton Rouge, LA**.
** The original was reported to have been written over the urinal at the Wright Field Officer’s Club in Dayton Ohio, and read “Fighting for Peace is like Fucking for Chastity”
CRAZY AL’S NEWS DIGEST
New York City is going to the Rodents? There were rats seen frolicking after hours in a NYC KFC/Taco Bell restaurant, and a beaver was sighted in the Bronx River. Look, Crazy Al understands that almost anything even slightly unusual in NYC is considered newsworthy, but gimmie a break. Talk about your slow news day.
“46 Nations support ban on cluster bombs” Crazy Al seems to remember reading that some Pope some time way back declared the crossbow illegal as a weapon of war. Why? Apparently it was just too easy to kill people with a crossbow. Something or other about crossbows in war not being sporting enough. Also, Crazy Al has heard that shoulder-fired 50 caliber rifles (Yes, Hillary, there are such things) are not to be fired at people, but only at vehicles and such. Crazy Al may have to look up the definition of “War”?
“Obama gets warm welcome in Austin” This headline was under a photo of Obama wearing a black cowboy hat. Several crucial questions come to mind. Was he given a black cowboy hat? Or, was he offered a choice between a black cowboy hat and a white cowboy hat? If he had the choice, why did he prefer the black Cowboy hat? What does all of this say about America? Crazy Al is going to have to think some more about this.
Anna Nicole, and Brittany, Pleeeze! Enough already! Spread the notoriety around; millions of American young people in the “look-at-me” generation are desperately in need of it. These young people are “special”, and why should they believe otherwise, when they have heard “you are special” like a mantra for lo these many years. Five psychologists (perhaps known as the “Gang of Five”) did a study which collected and analyzed 16,475 interviews of college students from 1967 and 2006 in order to determine the level of narcissism. Is it any surprise that the level is rising? Nope! See, teachers have been pumping generous amounts of “self-esteem” sunshine up special little asses ever since the 1980s
“South losing senior appeal” This was headline for an article about the 75 year old and up retirees who are leaving the south for harsher climes up north. The net effect of population migration for the south is negative. Between 2000 and 2005, 121,000 left the south and 87,000 early boomers arrived. Strangely the article lists several causes but not the weather. Crazy Al, sez many of the ones moving north have been through one or more hurricanes, and don’t s’pect they’s gonna go through ‘nother, but, on the other hand, the retiring Boomers are mostly hurricane-naive. In an allied story, weather weenies are predicting a return of el Nina with its accompanying return of high hurricane frequency in the Atlantic. Animals get uneasy right before an earthquake; can oldsters have some extra-sensory prescience about hurricanes?
“Garlic study deflates (the) herb’s health claims” and “Antioxidants not tied to longevity, study shows” Crazy Al wants to know what was wrong with the studies which showed that Garlic lowered blood cholesterol levels, and antioxidants would make you live longer? And, why should we trust these new studies more? Well, I suppose we will just have to limp along with Garlic curing heart disease, cancer, infections and mosquito bites, and antioxidants keeping cells from dying. Is it an illogical leap to conclude that if your cells never die, why should you?
In yet another folk myth exploded (maybe), a headline reads, “Study: Immigrants do not increase the U.S. crime rate”. It seems that those men born inside the U.S. are five times more likely to be incarcerated than those born outside the U.S. The study was conducted by “The Immigration Policy Center” an Immigration advocacy group in Washington. Crazy Al wants to go on record as favoring immigration, and favoring the rule of law, and that is all he is gonna say about any of it.
Found in a residential Jerusalem neighborhood: Jesus’ bones in a box, his wife, Mary’s, bones in a box, and Jesus’ son, Judah’s, bones in a box” If you think Crazy Al is going to comment on that, you must think he is really crazy. However, I will make one prediction; if retiring Christian Boomers try to move into that Jerusalem neighborhood, they better get going soon, because property values are going to skyrocket.
THE LOON’S SECRET LIFE AS AN AMATEUR HERPETOLOGIST (ACTUALLY, A SNAKE LOVER**)
**. He loves their cute little licky tongues, loves their unblinking serious eyes, loves that skin which is cool to the touch. He’s serious, but, as you may have guessed, also weird.
Everyone gets a nickname at summer camp. The Loon’s was “Nature-Lover” All the other boys were carving sticks with their pocket knives. The Loon carved his thumb to the bone, and so, he then did what he really wanted to do all along, try to capture a Blue-tailed Skink. He never did, but he captured a few Blue-tailed Skink tails. From such humble beginnings a zoologist was born. He then climbed trees to gather the cocoons of large moths, and collected snakes and Box Turtles-- the lady upstairs, Mrs. Goeke, told me I would get warts if I touched the snakes and turtles—the collection included a dozen Box turtles and a bunch of Garter Snakes, and so, Mrs. Goeke, ostensibly fearing a neighborhood epidemic of warts, paid some villain to steal all of my reptiles one dark night. From such beginnings, there developed a persistent dislike for bitchy yahoo ladies who lived up-stairs.
Naturally, the Loon wanted to work in the Reptile House at the St. Louis Zoo. Unfortunately zoo curator, George Vierheller***, said 13 year olds can only work selling bottled soda at the concession stand. What could he do? Anyway, during breaks at the concession stand, he went up to the Reptile House to chat-up the reptile curator, Moody Lentz, and bond with the snakes.
*** The sole Principal Curator of the St. Louis Zoo for the first 40 years of its existence.
The Loon’s early hero was herpetologist, Raymond L. Ditmars who collected animals for zoos from all over the world, and who wrote several entertaining books. The one which caught the Loon’s imagination was entitled “The Making of Scientist”. Now the Loon was strolling down his life path, or so he thought. However, a mild attack of juvenile delinquency, a job as a Coca Cola truck driver, and a stint in the Air Force as a teletype operator, diverted him from his life road into one cul-de-sac after another. He got back on the road later, sort of, but, by then, he was distracted by a series of unforeseen events; an education, a marriage, three kids and a bunch of jobs. The Loon is still searching for snakes, but has not found boo—too damned busy running around the country dancing and scribbling out these Fruits o’ the Loon.
Back in the day, the three best zoos were the London Zoological Garden, which had the largest collection of animals, the San Diego Zoo which had a climate favorable for creating outside natural environment enclosures for animals, and the St. Louis Zoo which had the second largest collection of animals, some unique barrier-free enclosures for viewing animals, and free admission (always).
The Loon is not altogether a zoo freak, but he has gone to zoos in Nagoya Japan, Hanover Germany, Bern Switzerland, Washington D.C., San Diego, Cincinnati, Minnesota, Lincoln Park in Chicago, and San Antonio where they have the world’s finest collection of exotic hoofed animals as breeding pairs.
When the Loon was working in Germany he had the distinct privilege of autopsying an Atlantic Bottle-nosed Dolphin, but that is another long, scientific edifying and humorous story—later!
While working in Covington LA, the Loon has a pleasant afternoon lunch with Norman Jones, who was an Army Master Sergeant, and, as an aside, he was THE international authority on caged non-human primates. Norman knew the locations, ages, personal idiosyncrasies, and names of every caged Gorilla, Orangutan, and Chimpanzee (Bonobos included) in the world. This information, and a lot of other germane information, he kept inside his head. Norman had a large round head. The reason why the Loon was invited to this lunch with Norman Jones was because, at the time, the Loon was the staff pathologist for a U.S. Navy study on impact and vibration injury using eight mature Chimpanzees and a bunch of volunteer young Marines. The Marines where trying to get out of duty in Viet Nam, the Chimpanzees, press-ganged into the study, were trying to get out of their cages. A young Marine is a formidable creature, but a mature Chimpanzee is even more formidable and, even if sober and not angry, can be unpredictable and damned dangerous. But, I am getting away from my story—back to the snakes.
Working in southern Louisiana was a God-sent. The area is rife with snakes. Where the Loon lived, there were plenty of snakes: Salt and Pepper snakes, Black Snakes, and one of the most interesting of all domestic non-poisonous snakes, the Hog Nosed Snake which will hiss menacingly and spread out like a Cobra if threatened, but if that doesn’t work, it will play possum by pretending to go into a seizure and die, and while doing so shit all over itself. This then presents a predator with a loathsome meal. We had Cottonmouth Water Moccasins in the pond and, and colorful Copperheads slithering though the pine needles. The Loon loved it. He was 42 years old and he went wading out into the southern Louisiana swamps, ostensibly to trap crawfish to eat, but in reality, he went to catch snakes. This, however, it did not make him a hero in the eyes of his wife and three daughters.
ACE HARDWARE VS HOME DEPOT (A COMPARISON)
It is not often that the Loon goes into an Ace Hardware to buy esoteric hardware such as a right–handed Murphy pin, a 40 mm mini-blivit, or some weird type of light bulb that Ace doesn’t have what he want. And, he usually can promptly get a guy in a red shirt to take him right to what he need. The Loon does not have that same experience at Home Depot stores where he seldom finds a person to help him, and if he does get the attention of workers, they don’t take him to what he want, but rather, they tell him where to go. Often it is to the wrong aisle (once he asked three workers and got directions to three different aisles). AND, while a Home Depot store has a lot of stuff, they seldom have what the Loon wants. What’s goin’ on here, Ace Hardware stores are little bitty, and Home Depot stores are huge? Well, perhaps the difference lies in the fact that each Ace Hardware store is privately owned, and each Home Depot store is owned by a huge corporation which has, apparently, overpaid its executives, not hired enough people, and seldom carries what the Loon needs. This is what the Loon calls a revolting development.
Allen Hall, the Loon
March 5, 2007 in sunny warm south Texas, ‘n don’t y’all fugit it.
posted by Allen Hall at 10:16 AM
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