Fruit o’ the Loon
’07 Installment # 14
If I fail to offend everyone, I’m sorry. (this from a slightly more mellow Loon)
Table of Contents.
1. Crazy Al’s News Digest.
a. Air Guitar
b. Sharks Kill Men—Men Get Even.
c. Babs’ Tour Redux
d. Politics—It’s Hopeless
2. Notable Quotes.
3. Loon’s Mini-Book Report (“David Brinkley: a Memoir”. It gets a Loon 4 star rating)
4. Previews of Coming Attractions
CRAZY AL’S NEWS DIGEST.
Air Guitar
Yes, it’s time, once again, to hold the United States’14 individual regional Air Guitar Contests. The regional winners advance to the Nationals in New York City, and the winner there goes to Finland for the International Air Guitar Championships. It costs $12 to go see people not play guitar in the local regional contest here in the Twin Cities I am compelled to mention that every week you can go to a joint right here in the Twin Cities and see two guys play real guitars real good for the price of a drink. Is the Loon’s bias showing? But, how silly of him, Air Guitar is not about music, it is about pretending to play music on an entirely fictitious and invisible guitar ( one made of air) in way so unusual that you can win a contest. Unduly judgmental? Judgmental? Yes. Unduly? No. Nope! ain’t never been to an Air Guitar contest, n’ hope to never go, however, the Loon is curious and does have some questions….and suggestions.
Let’s assume there are some rules which make the contest fair for everyone. Must the contestants all pretend to play a designated make and model of guitar? If so, that’s patently unfair and prejudicial. Look, what if a contestant actually plays a lap steel guitar; and since he already knows how, why couldn’t he pretend to play one in the contest? Oh! I know he would have to dress “funny” and be extra animated, and he probably wouldn’t win, but don’t you think an animated air lap steel guitarist in a Bozo Clown costume would provide some pleasing variety in a contest which is likely to be full of white guys dressing like Mick and not playing invisible Fender Stratocasters?
The Loon assumes the contestants not playing guitar are doing so while accompanying a recording of an actual guitarist playing actual music. This would make it more entertaining for the audience, but, think about this. Since the judges will be people, and people always have some bias about the music they prefer, to keep the contests strictly about not playing guitar, don’t you think it would preferable for all Air Guitar Contests to use deaf people as judges? What if some guy shows up with a real guitar with no strings? Shouldn’t that constitute disqualification? I think so, and the rules should explicitly state that all guitars not played must be constructed exclusively of air and nothing but air, picks included, even though this may be considered nit-picking. Look, all subjectivity should be wrung out of the contests. After all, this is serious; a Universal Championship could be a trampoline to launch a professional career in Air Guitar.
But when you think about it, what is the hell so special about not playing guitar? Not playing guitar obviously has appeal. If not, why are the contests held every year? But, why don’t they broaden the appeal and hold a “Air Instruments Olympics” with contests for, say, Air Tenor Saxophone? If you don’t think that would exciting, just consider someone not playing tenor saxophone in the style of Big Jay McNeeley? And how about Air Bassoon? The Loon can tell you a damned funny story about a bassoonist pretending to play. Or Air Fiddle, or Air Zither? Or, for novelty, wouldn’t it be hoot to see Air Piano not played by a motionless contestant who is accompanying a recording of John Cage’s famous silent composition 4’33"? Talk about existential. In an Air Instrument Olympics, the contest for each instrument not played would crown a champion of that particular instrument not played. And here is a great kicker-- wherein all the winners of each instrument not played contests would compete for a Grand Championship of not-played music--kind of like what happens with steers at the National Livestock Show, or dogs at the Westminster Dog Show.
And, to further broaden the appeal, why not hold the Lip-Synching contests at the same time? Sure, I know you couldn’t use deaf people for judges, but aren’t Air Instrument not playing and Lip Synching closely allied artistic talents?
Competitive not playing and not singing is strenuous, so it wouldn’t be fair for women to have to compete with men. It makes sense to have competitions for both men and women, and juniors too. If the national powers regulating not playing and not singing want to broaden and preserve the art of not playing and not singing, they will have to encourage youngsters to improve and raise their standard by entering competitions.
The Loon wonders if there are any venues around where people can just go enjoy not playing or not singing? You know, a place where not playing music or not singing can be done in a social setting? Hey! Not every Air Instrumentalist and Lip Syncher wants to enter a contest.
Sharks Kill Men—Men Get Even
The Loon has it on good authority that sharks kill 4 men each year (on the average), but man retaliates by killing between 26 and 73 million sharks each year. Let the Loon go on record as saying he deplores group punishment, and this group punishment stretches proportionality to an absurdity, but, on the other hand, he secretly holds the notion, “that’ll teach those sharks”, and we must hope that the 4 man-eater sharks were among those we kill. Doubts prevail about that, however we must be sending a strong message to the sharks by culling their numbers, but maybe not. Do you wonder how many sharks there are? There must be bunch if men can catch and kill between 26 and 73 million every year. But maybe the male and female sharks are making more than 27 to 73 million new sharks each year. Say, doesn’t 27 to 73 million seem like an overly wide spread for an estimate, or does the Loon have his skeptometer dialed way too sensitive?
Babs’ Tour Redux
Yes indeedy, Barbara Stiesand is on tour again, international too. That’s two years in a row—Babs must have some political contribution promises to keep. Tour tix prices are steep. In Italy, they run from $200 to $1,200, or rather they would have been, but the price-conscious Italians told her “Vamoosa!”. So she packed, and went to Switzerland, where they are not so reluctant to pony up the jack. Last year she toured the U.S. and the average tix price was $298, so what are the Italians complaining about? The 2006 tour grossed $92.5M. Yep! Babs be smokin’ hot.
The Loon will give it to her, she has the purest bell-like voice of any singer in his recollection, her enunciation is crystal clean, she knows just what to do with a lyric, and she doesn’t scream-sing—what a pleasure--but, if you think the Loon is gonna cough up $200+ to sit through several hours of a Baby Boomer Love-in, you be bad bad mistaken. Besides, “Sniff”, Babs ranks second, behind The Stones for gross tour take. Where in the hell are the Baby Boomers getting all this money?
Politics—It’s Hopeless.
The Loon used to think that since he was a liberal on most social issues, and a conservative on most economic issues, he had something in common with folks at both political poles. You know, the Loon was a benign creature called an "Assyderm*, with an ass’s ass on one end, and a pachyderm’s ass on the other*, and thus, he had entre to both polar camps. Forget it! The Loon is a pariah. Worse, he is treated as an apostate by both camps. Seldom in the Loon’s lifetime, and he is eat up with old, has he witnessed so much rampant political truth—damn! It’s almost religious. THAT’S IT, why didn’t I see it before—we are in a POLITICAL CIVIL WAR. The rabies of polar politics is infecting almost everyone and their virus laden saliva is causing an epidemic of brain malfunctions. . AND, there is no one in the poltical middle. Small wonder, as who is going to vote for a moderate—we seem to want ravenous meat-eaters for politicians. The buzz word factories are working 3 shifts 7/12. One pole is progressive, the other is traditional. One pole claims to be the champion of reason, the other the champion of human values. I no longer know what these terms represent, but it is no longer important to me, as…. (drum roll please)
The Loon hereinwith issues an ENOUGH ALREADY manifesto, calling for a moratorium on political e-forwards. Send me no more, I don’t care if they are so funny they made juice run out of your nose, and put a stitch in your side. Any residual political sense of humor has been long ago leached out of the Loon. This moratorium will expire August 1, 2008. That should give the Loon enough time to determine who not to vote for, and why.
* An Assyderm cannot bite, but it can shit on you from either end.
2. NOTABLE QUOTES.
“Hypocrisy itself does great honor, or rather justice, to religion, and tacitly acknowledges it to be an ornament to human nature. The hypocrite would not be at so much pains to put on the appearance of virtue, if he did not know it was the most proper and effectual means to gain the love and esteem of mankind.” Joseph Addison (1672-1719) English politician and writer. The loon can only add, “WOW! Joe, that’s r e a l heavy.”
“Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical and radical minority, rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!” Anonymous (This little acerbic gem was found on the internet which provides a continually replenished mother-lode of unattributed quotations.)
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.” Edward Abbey (Right On! Ed)
3. LOON’S MICRO-BOOK REPORT
The book is “David Brinkley: A Memoir” by (who else?) David Brinkley, and it’s a good un’. It reads like a good novel, but without a plot**. It is written just like David talked i.e., spare, well-accented, honestly and punctuated with dry wit. It was published in 1995, but that’s okay, as he was probably too old to make sense of the world since that time, and he infers as much in the book. By the way, he died in 2003 at age 83.
** Hey! It’s a memoir not a biography, but given the agonal literary convulsions in the modern and post-modern novel…sigh!...(mini-editorial to follow) the disjointed stream of consciousness in this book could easily be a novel, but without, aside from David himself, any well-developed characters, but if you are modern enough as a novelist, who the hell needs characters? Do you detect a negative bias against modern and post-modern literature? Ubetchursweetness you do. Hey! The Loon must find a way to annoy fans of artistic modernity—all of which suck. The fans too, however they may not know how they err, or why. Anyway, David chooses his memoirs wisely.
David was a journalist by training, by profession and by inclination, and the Loon liked him about as well as any of those who transmogrified into TV talking heads. Besides, he never gave the impression he was impressed with himself. He has some great stories to tell about the famous the self-infatuated, the powerful, and he is not easy on himself, as he reveals those actions which shamed him. He acknowledges that his success was facilitated by good fortune at being in the right place at the most propitious moments. That said, he sells himself too cheaply.
If you want the book, say so, and it will be in the mail and free to you the next day. Gotta get rid of some of these books. Otherwise, the Loon’s wee studio will collapse into the lake under weight of Hard Backs.
4. PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS.
There are none. Waddya want from me? Do I look like Nicodemus?
Allen Hall,
May 29, 2007, on Lake Sylvia
This FotL is going to be shut down early. People have complained about long FotLs, and short FotLs, and since I must annoy someone, and am loathe to constantly annoy the same people, this FotL is popped out prematurely after a short gestation period.
’07 Installment # 14
If I fail to offend everyone, I’m sorry. (this from a slightly more mellow Loon)
Table of Contents.
1. Crazy Al’s News Digest.
a. Air Guitar
b. Sharks Kill Men—Men Get Even.
c. Babs’ Tour Redux
d. Politics—It’s Hopeless
2. Notable Quotes.
3. Loon’s Mini-Book Report (“David Brinkley: a Memoir”. It gets a Loon 4 star rating)
4. Previews of Coming Attractions
CRAZY AL’S NEWS DIGEST.
Air Guitar
Yes, it’s time, once again, to hold the United States’14 individual regional Air Guitar Contests. The regional winners advance to the Nationals in New York City, and the winner there goes to Finland for the International Air Guitar Championships. It costs $12 to go see people not play guitar in the local regional contest here in the Twin Cities I am compelled to mention that every week you can go to a joint right here in the Twin Cities and see two guys play real guitars real good for the price of a drink. Is the Loon’s bias showing? But, how silly of him, Air Guitar is not about music, it is about pretending to play music on an entirely fictitious and invisible guitar ( one made of air) in way so unusual that you can win a contest. Unduly judgmental? Judgmental? Yes. Unduly? No. Nope! ain’t never been to an Air Guitar contest, n’ hope to never go, however, the Loon is curious and does have some questions….and suggestions.
Let’s assume there are some rules which make the contest fair for everyone. Must the contestants all pretend to play a designated make and model of guitar? If so, that’s patently unfair and prejudicial. Look, what if a contestant actually plays a lap steel guitar; and since he already knows how, why couldn’t he pretend to play one in the contest? Oh! I know he would have to dress “funny” and be extra animated, and he probably wouldn’t win, but don’t you think an animated air lap steel guitarist in a Bozo Clown costume would provide some pleasing variety in a contest which is likely to be full of white guys dressing like Mick and not playing invisible Fender Stratocasters?
The Loon assumes the contestants not playing guitar are doing so while accompanying a recording of an actual guitarist playing actual music. This would make it more entertaining for the audience, but, think about this. Since the judges will be people, and people always have some bias about the music they prefer, to keep the contests strictly about not playing guitar, don’t you think it would preferable for all Air Guitar Contests to use deaf people as judges? What if some guy shows up with a real guitar with no strings? Shouldn’t that constitute disqualification? I think so, and the rules should explicitly state that all guitars not played must be constructed exclusively of air and nothing but air, picks included, even though this may be considered nit-picking. Look, all subjectivity should be wrung out of the contests. After all, this is serious; a Universal Championship could be a trampoline to launch a professional career in Air Guitar.
But when you think about it, what is the hell so special about not playing guitar? Not playing guitar obviously has appeal. If not, why are the contests held every year? But, why don’t they broaden the appeal and hold a “Air Instruments Olympics” with contests for, say, Air Tenor Saxophone? If you don’t think that would exciting, just consider someone not playing tenor saxophone in the style of Big Jay McNeeley? And how about Air Bassoon? The Loon can tell you a damned funny story about a bassoonist pretending to play. Or Air Fiddle, or Air Zither? Or, for novelty, wouldn’t it be hoot to see Air Piano not played by a motionless contestant who is accompanying a recording of John Cage’s famous silent composition 4’33"? Talk about existential. In an Air Instrument Olympics, the contest for each instrument not played would crown a champion of that particular instrument not played. And here is a great kicker-- wherein all the winners of each instrument not played contests would compete for a Grand Championship of not-played music--kind of like what happens with steers at the National Livestock Show, or dogs at the Westminster Dog Show.
And, to further broaden the appeal, why not hold the Lip-Synching contests at the same time? Sure, I know you couldn’t use deaf people for judges, but aren’t Air Instrument not playing and Lip Synching closely allied artistic talents?
Competitive not playing and not singing is strenuous, so it wouldn’t be fair for women to have to compete with men. It makes sense to have competitions for both men and women, and juniors too. If the national powers regulating not playing and not singing want to broaden and preserve the art of not playing and not singing, they will have to encourage youngsters to improve and raise their standard by entering competitions.
The Loon wonders if there are any venues around where people can just go enjoy not playing or not singing? You know, a place where not playing music or not singing can be done in a social setting? Hey! Not every Air Instrumentalist and Lip Syncher wants to enter a contest.
Sharks Kill Men—Men Get Even
The Loon has it on good authority that sharks kill 4 men each year (on the average), but man retaliates by killing between 26 and 73 million sharks each year. Let the Loon go on record as saying he deplores group punishment, and this group punishment stretches proportionality to an absurdity, but, on the other hand, he secretly holds the notion, “that’ll teach those sharks”, and we must hope that the 4 man-eater sharks were among those we kill. Doubts prevail about that, however we must be sending a strong message to the sharks by culling their numbers, but maybe not. Do you wonder how many sharks there are? There must be bunch if men can catch and kill between 26 and 73 million every year. But maybe the male and female sharks are making more than 27 to 73 million new sharks each year. Say, doesn’t 27 to 73 million seem like an overly wide spread for an estimate, or does the Loon have his skeptometer dialed way too sensitive?
Babs’ Tour Redux
Yes indeedy, Barbara Stiesand is on tour again, international too. That’s two years in a row—Babs must have some political contribution promises to keep. Tour tix prices are steep. In Italy, they run from $200 to $1,200, or rather they would have been, but the price-conscious Italians told her “Vamoosa!”. So she packed, and went to Switzerland, where they are not so reluctant to pony up the jack. Last year she toured the U.S. and the average tix price was $298, so what are the Italians complaining about? The 2006 tour grossed $92.5M. Yep! Babs be smokin’ hot.
The Loon will give it to her, she has the purest bell-like voice of any singer in his recollection, her enunciation is crystal clean, she knows just what to do with a lyric, and she doesn’t scream-sing—what a pleasure--but, if you think the Loon is gonna cough up $200+ to sit through several hours of a Baby Boomer Love-in, you be bad bad mistaken. Besides, “Sniff”, Babs ranks second, behind The Stones for gross tour take. Where in the hell are the Baby Boomers getting all this money?
Politics—It’s Hopeless.
The Loon used to think that since he was a liberal on most social issues, and a conservative on most economic issues, he had something in common with folks at both political poles. You know, the Loon was a benign creature called an "Assyderm*, with an ass’s ass on one end, and a pachyderm’s ass on the other*, and thus, he had entre to both polar camps. Forget it! The Loon is a pariah. Worse, he is treated as an apostate by both camps. Seldom in the Loon’s lifetime, and he is eat up with old, has he witnessed so much rampant political truth—damn! It’s almost religious. THAT’S IT, why didn’t I see it before—we are in a POLITICAL CIVIL WAR. The rabies of polar politics is infecting almost everyone and their virus laden saliva is causing an epidemic of brain malfunctions. . AND, there is no one in the poltical middle. Small wonder, as who is going to vote for a moderate—we seem to want ravenous meat-eaters for politicians. The buzz word factories are working 3 shifts 7/12. One pole is progressive, the other is traditional. One pole claims to be the champion of reason, the other the champion of human values. I no longer know what these terms represent, but it is no longer important to me, as…. (drum roll please)
The Loon hereinwith issues an ENOUGH ALREADY manifesto, calling for a moratorium on political e-forwards. Send me no more, I don’t care if they are so funny they made juice run out of your nose, and put a stitch in your side. Any residual political sense of humor has been long ago leached out of the Loon. This moratorium will expire August 1, 2008. That should give the Loon enough time to determine who not to vote for, and why.
* An Assyderm cannot bite, but it can shit on you from either end.
2. NOTABLE QUOTES.
“Hypocrisy itself does great honor, or rather justice, to religion, and tacitly acknowledges it to be an ornament to human nature. The hypocrite would not be at so much pains to put on the appearance of virtue, if he did not know it was the most proper and effectual means to gain the love and esteem of mankind.” Joseph Addison (1672-1719) English politician and writer. The loon can only add, “WOW! Joe, that’s r e a l heavy.”
“Political correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical and radical minority, rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end!” Anonymous (This little acerbic gem was found on the internet which provides a continually replenished mother-lode of unattributed quotations.)
“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government.” Edward Abbey (Right On! Ed)
3. LOON’S MICRO-BOOK REPORT
The book is “David Brinkley: A Memoir” by (who else?) David Brinkley, and it’s a good un’. It reads like a good novel, but without a plot**. It is written just like David talked i.e., spare, well-accented, honestly and punctuated with dry wit. It was published in 1995, but that’s okay, as he was probably too old to make sense of the world since that time, and he infers as much in the book. By the way, he died in 2003 at age 83.
** Hey! It’s a memoir not a biography, but given the agonal literary convulsions in the modern and post-modern novel…sigh!...(mini-editorial to follow) the disjointed stream of consciousness in this book could easily be a novel, but without, aside from David himself, any well-developed characters, but if you are modern enough as a novelist, who the hell needs characters? Do you detect a negative bias against modern and post-modern literature? Ubetchursweetness you do. Hey! The Loon must find a way to annoy fans of artistic modernity—all of which suck. The fans too, however they may not know how they err, or why. Anyway, David chooses his memoirs wisely.
David was a journalist by training, by profession and by inclination, and the Loon liked him about as well as any of those who transmogrified into TV talking heads. Besides, he never gave the impression he was impressed with himself. He has some great stories to tell about the famous the self-infatuated, the powerful, and he is not easy on himself, as he reveals those actions which shamed him. He acknowledges that his success was facilitated by good fortune at being in the right place at the most propitious moments. That said, he sells himself too cheaply.
If you want the book, say so, and it will be in the mail and free to you the next day. Gotta get rid of some of these books. Otherwise, the Loon’s wee studio will collapse into the lake under weight of Hard Backs.
4. PREVIEWS OF COMING ATTRACTIONS.
There are none. Waddya want from me? Do I look like Nicodemus?
Allen Hall,
May 29, 2007, on Lake Sylvia
This FotL is going to be shut down early. People have complained about long FotLs, and short FotLs, and since I must annoy someone, and am loathe to constantly annoy the same people, this FotL is popped out prematurely after a short gestation period.
posted by Allen Hall at 6:42 PM
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