Fruit o’ the Loon
’07 Installment # 11

If I fail to offend everyone, I am sorry.

WARNING! This FotL is way too long, and not too good. Further, since the Loon is so disorganized, and sick of this thing, it is probably eat-up with typos and mal-grammar, and, worse still, some of the good stuff comes last. As a result, his recommendation is “Do not read this; and wait for a better one.” However, if you are an economist, and want a few yaks, read the Loon’s mini-book report on “The Underground Economist”.

HOW MUCH HOUSE IS TOO MUCH?

Someone sent me a forward of a video showing a realtor’s tour of a very large, rambling, very modern house tricked-out with many expensive goodies, and sited on prime three ocean-front lots in Orange County, California. The house was priced to sell at $75M.

Whenever the Loon sees something like that, a cascade of thought floods to mind.

One day, long ago, when the Loon was a pre-teener in St. Louis a lady came rolling by his house in a long black chauffeur-driven limousine, this, an uncommon occurrence in the West End of St. Louis. The Loon turned to his friend and remarked, sagely “I wouldn’t want that car.” The Loon’s far sager friend responded with, “That’s not a car; that’s a way of life.” Out the mouths of St. Louis West End preteens sometimes comes wisdom.

When The Loon first saw photographs of the Taj Mahal, and was told the purpose of the building (it was built for one woman), he was (maybe) a little wiser, and thought “What a monumental waste of money, effort and materials” (or some “sour grapes” thought like that). He was offended by the excesses represented by it, just as he remains offended by the excesses inherent in the Pyramids of Giza. The Loon is offended by the Taj Mahal, the Pyrimids of Giza and that $75M house, because they are all, in the Loon’s wanky opinion, monuments to ego. If he is wrong here, please set him straight. Hey! Nothing wrong with a healthy ego, everyone who can afford one, should have one, but building monuments to ego is “Sniff” just too too crass. .

Don’t misunderstand; the Loon is not alleging he is morally superior to wealthy people. And, he is no socialist. He would never interfere with anyone’s right to build and live in that $75M house. If (fat chance that) the owner gave the Loon the right to live in, but not own that $75M house, the Loon would be in a quandary, and might refuse the offer. Hey! He already has two houses and one has wheels under it. See, living in that house might make the Loon uneasy, as he really dislikes the thought that people might be impressed with the Loon, because he lives in a $75M house. Worse still, he might begin to think he is really something. The Loon is so weak. Every time the Loon has come into any unearned money, he has not behaved responsibly—the first time, he bought a tacky Buick convertible. Isn’t it good to recognize one’s flaws?

The Loon’s kids have often asked why he doesn’t play the Lottery. He told them if he wanted the State to have more money, he would give it to them, but his biggest fear with the lottery is that he might win and that would ruin his life The kids laugh and say, “Just give us the money.” To which, he replies, “Sounds easy doesn’t it? It might ruin your lives.” The Loon is serious. If he hit the Lotto, he might lose his social bearings, such as they are. Old true friends might tend to avoid him because they wouldn’t want him to think they were calling or seeing him because he was now ripe for a “touch”. If one of your close friends was to hit the lottery, would you wait until they called you first? New friends would be suspect. The Loon would need an unlisted telephone number (for privacy, don’t you know?) no, and have everyone think he is an idiot for not doing what they think he should intelligently do with the money. He would have to pick up every check or be thought niggardly, but if he did pick up every check wouldn’t that make other people think he was acting like a “big spender”? People might fawn over him, and before long, he might start to fawn over himself. He would have to lock his doors or move into a fortress community. He would entertain fantasy worries that his kids or grandkids might be kidnapped for ransom. During the last 21 summers at our little Minnesota lake cabin, the Loon has only locked the doors when we are going to be away for 24 hours or more and once for three days while some crazy man was at large thereabouts after he shot another guy in the face with a 20 gauge shotgun. Otherwise, the doors have remained unlocked day and night. The Loon would like to leave the doors unlocked.

There is nothing quite as toxic as unearned wealth to compromise someone’s life, and the lives of others. A recent example is the guy who won the lottery, and then gave his granddaughter $2,000 a week allowance and 4 cars—she attracted the wrong kind of friends—it doesn’t take Dick Tracy to guess that might happen—she got herself a bad drug habit, and she died soon thereafter. This just one example of the untidy excesses of the neauvoux riche, that while uncommon, are publicized so broadly they have become a cliché.

P.S. However, the pure-of-heart Loon wouldn’t mind living in the gate-keeper’s cottage of the $75M house, if, and only if, he had pool rights, and he would even settle for swimming during off-hours.

P.P.S. Ya know, the Loon could be wrong, and Andre Agassi could be right when he said, “Image IS…(pause for emphasis)…EVERYTHING.”

LOON MINI-BOOK REPORT

“The Underground Economist; Exposing why the rich are rich and the poor are poor--and why you can never buy a decent used car” by Tim Harford is one of the most readable books on the dismal science of economics the Loon has ever read—well, actually, it may be only the second book on economics the Loon has ever read.

First, let’s answer the questions posed in the subtitle.

The reason behind why the rich are rich and the poor or poor is simple; the rich have more money than the poor. However, since all matters economic are a function of relationships and therefore relative, it is probably better to be the median poorest person among the 25% poorest people in Houston, than to be the median richest person among the 25% richest people in Mogadishu. However, as Hardford points out, poor nations are poor because they don’t save, don’t invest and don’t educate their people. Harford failed to mention if this simple formula includes the oil-rich autocracies in the Middle East. Anyway, the reason why poor countries don’t save, invest or educate is because their rulers don’t want that to happen—the rulers are content to steal everything from a stable poor population rather than stealing more from a more wealthy population but run the risk of dealing with a more uppity prosperous population. We in the United States seem to be saving less money, investing less, and generally doing a poorer job of properly educating our youth. There, the gauntlet is at your feet—pick it up at your peril.

Hartford, says “the reason why you can never buy a decent used car” is because only the owner knows the “real” condition of a used car, prospective buyers usually don’t, and the best used cars are usually not found on the general used car market.

It may be premature to reveal my new-found knowledge which affects the price of everything, but, in the interest of making this short, here I go. “Price” is the essence of economics, which makes it an altogether human science, but you seldom get that impression when talking to an economist.

The Power of Genuine Scarcity. There are only so many NYC residences which look out over Central Park, but there is great demand for them. Ergo, the price of those residences is astronomical vis a vis other equally nice residences in NYC. Demand for anything scarce increases the price. George Bernard Shaw said that the professions were all conspiracies against the laity. Why is that so? Well, the professions form conspiracies to limit their members, and thus retain the power of scarcity, however given the ubiquity of lawyers in the United States, you might deduce the legal profession has lost their power of scarcity, until, that is, you hire a lawyer.
The Power of Contrived Scarcity. The reason why popcorn at the movies is priced like that of prime rib is because they can sell a lot of it at that price, but can’t sell any if it was priced like the best Black Sea Sturgeon caviar. AND, most important, because THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE TO BUY POPCORN IN A MOVIE HOUSE, but then, you already knew that. So I suspect movie house guys have formed a cabal to monopolize the supply of movie house popcorn. Doesn’t that make you furious? Doesn’t that make you want to squirrel popcorn in your pockets when you go to the movies?
The Power of exclusive knowledge. Perfect markets are perfect if and only if, everyone is privy to the information which affects prices. Go ahead; just try to find a perfect market. Still prices are important, even essential, in any market which claims to be free. Prices tell us what things will sell for, not what they should sell for. How would you like to go in Starbucks and ask for a “small” cup of decaf, and have the nicey coffee person ask, “Okay, what will you pay for it?” You do not know, but they do that it cost for them about 95 cents for a cup for a coffee, and so. if you don’t say “a buck thirty-five”, or more, you ain’t gonna get your coffee. Of course you could haggle, and without posted prices, that is what the world does, and most of the world haggles even when there are posted prices. Haggle Schmaqggle, if you say you will pay not more than 95 cents for the coffee, you got damned little chance of getting your coffee, and like as not, you will be held in contempt by the nicey coffee person for not having the common sense to understand the acceptable range of prices for coffee at Starbucks. This is the way things are in the haggling world.
The Power of Externality Charge. Levies and tariffs are externalities. Hartford claims that no economist will agree that a net good accrues from any barrier to trade, and even if everyone in the world raises barriers to trade, we would still be better off if we had none, and the world would be worse off. Protectionism, in any form, is simply allowing the well-being of a minority of people to impose higher prices on everyone.

The Loon is no economist, smarty-pants or otherwise. And so, he will not try to snow you with semi-bogus profundities Rather, find below are some interesting idea/fact snippets from the book.

1. The cost of extracting oil in Alberta Canada is $15/barrel. The cost of extracting oil in Saudi Arabia and Kuwait is $2/barrel, and so, now you know why there are so many oil tankers plying the briny seas.

2. “The average urban gang member works for about $10/hr, and, in any 4 year period, is arrested six times, shot twice and killed once.” Two questions come to mind. Does this mean that the gang member work force has a 100% turnover every 8 years? And, this seems like a lousy job, but then, the Loon asks how many gang members put in 40 hour weeks?

3. “The people most harmed by new immigration are the previous group of immigrants who find their wages nailed to the floor (by the new immigrants).”

4.. “In Britain, government-run religious schools often have the best academic records, so atheists take their children to church every Sunday in order to get good references from priests and get their children into these schools.”

5. If you are not willing to spend ten bucks and put in a half hour to install a smoke detector, you will increase your chances of dying in a fire by about one in a million.

6. “Each year, one in three people change jobs and one in seven people move.” And, realtors get rich.

7. Since the principles of economics drive price in everything, Hartford writes, “If environmentalists could argue their points from an economic standpoint, much of the moral tone would drain out of the environmental debate, but the environment itself would be much more effectively dealt with.”

8. The reason why you cannot get insurance against getting fired or pregnant is cuz it’s easy to get fired or pregnant. Why didn’t the Loon think of that?

9. “Someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” Oscar Wilde’s definition of a cynic, but now commonly applied to economists.

10. Edward O. Wilson (A very intelligent man) opined that “within a few dozen generations all human beings would be the same, in a sense that whether in London of Shanghai or Moscow or Lagos, the same racial mix would be found.” Let’s see, that would come in around the year, 2527.

11. “…the relationship between low wages and low productivity is an extremely close one.” Productivity is the amount of goods and services one person can produce, and if it is cheaper to have 20 poorly-paid illegal immigrants haul concrete in wheelbarrows than to bring out one concrete pumping truck, the 20 will do it, but their wages will be poor and their productivity will be lousy.

12. Ronald Reagan was reported to have said, “There should be a game of Trivial Pursuit for economists, with 100 questions and three thousand answers.” The science is driven by relationships, and if you slightly change one variable, all the other variables are affected.

I know I promised to tell you why there are so damned many Starbucks Coffee Shops, and why you can’t buy a 10 cent glass of beer, but I lied.

Good book, fun to read, and not at all depressing. Anyone want it? If so, say so.


GETTING THE POLITICS OUT OF POLITICS

Never thought li’l ‘ol Iowa would find a way, but they have taken away from the politicians the right re-draw the State congressional district borders. The primary reason why we have 90+ % re-election of U.S. Representatives is because in all States but Iowa, the pols of the party in power in the States get to realign the borders of their congressional districts in order to protect their champion pork-getters. In the old days it was called “gerrymandering”; today it is known as “job and pork protection”. Every state should find a way to prohibit gerrymandering. It is either that or demand term limits, or, (as an economist might say) on the third hand, we could just kneecap all second term U.S.Congressmen for Christ.

THE MAIN MID-AMERICA INTERSTATE CHOKE-POINT

Four interstate highways converge and cross the Mississippi River on a single bridge in downtown St. Louis. Interstate Highways 44, 55, 64, and 70 meet on that bridge. Meanwhile, the St. Louis government quibbles about whether to build another bridge. There are bridges north and south of the city which carry the circumferential interstates I-270 and I- 255, but if some terrorist or road repair crew closes down the downtown bridge, it is going to booger-up mid-America Interstate traffic something fierce.

A LOON’S (FOUR STAR) LITERARY RECOMMENDATION

“Aunt Ruby’s Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook” by Ruby Ann Boxcar* is a cornucopia of double-wide delights, such as Anita Biggons' El Diablo Dip-O, Kitty Chitwood’s Slut Puppies, and Sister Bertha’s Old Rugged Cross Cake. The Loon’s most favorite no-nonsense recipe comes from “The Fits and Cravin's Cookbook”. It’s “Rack-o-Spam”, and recipe reads, “Score the top of a 2 pound can of Span; bake in a 375 degree oven for one hour; garnish with something; slice and serve.

* To order Ruby Ann’s book, go to www.RVbookstore.com

CRAZY AL’S NEWS DIGEST

The New York Times reported that surgeons removed a woman’s gall bladder through her vagina. Putting aside (for a moment), the social needs for such a procedure (thus giving you readers something to look forward to), Crazy Al imagines a scenario at the subsequent autopsy of this woman by a pathologist who is unaware that part of her innards had been removed via cryptic vaginal surgery. The pathologist finds evidence of surgery to remove a gall bladder, but no abdominal scars, and he is puzzled. Depending on his beliefs, he or she might assume that the woman had been relieved of a diseased gall bladder by divine intervention.

Speaking of assumptions, Crazy Al is assuming, of course, that trans-vaginal colicystectomies will not become commonplace—an assumption poorly taken in this age of intense interest in blemish avoidance and body perfection, via nose bobs and other incognito-inducing surgeries, straightened teeth, Brittany-clear complexions, and pleasing body contours, the latter achieved by surgical (Ahem!) augmentation and/or diminishment. Dig this; Indian surgeons removed a patient’s diseased appendix through his mouth. Excuse me, aren‘t the mouth and appendix found at opposite ends of the patient? Is it the idea to make surgery as difficult as possible, something like trying to have sex while standing up in a hammock?

One must wonder just why a gall bladder is removed through the vagina. The doctors dutifully reported that the procedure “decreased pain and recovery time by not cutting sensitive abdominal muscles.” Well golly, this indicates the vagina is less sensitive than abdominal muscles. Does Crazy Al detect a faint clanging coming from his BS detector?

Continuing on the thread about pathologist bewilderment, Crazy Al’s Veterinary School class once was required to watch a film entitled, “Harvest of Human Body Parts” (Don’t ask me why.) Since bone is part of reusable stuff, the film showed how the middle of the thigh bone was taken out of a cadaver. Once out, the thigh was stabilized by driving wooden dowels into each end of the severed thigh bone, and then, after the dowels were wired together with what appeared to be a clothes hanger wire, the thigh muscles and skin were sutured shut. This constitutes part of a cosmetic autopsy? Anyway, one wag in the back of the room remarked, “I can just see some archeo-pathologist digging that guy up 2,000 years from now, and wondering if 20th century surgeons really thought they could fix a broken leg that way.”
.
Also, dig this; surgeons are now practicing up on their blemish-free surgery by taking out appendices, spleens, stomachs and kidneys through the mouths or vaginas of pigs. It’s just such stuff as this which makes Crazy Al crazy. .

Allen Hall a.k.a. The Loon and Crazy Al, and all three are getting crazier every day.
April 29, 2007, in Sunny Dayton Ohio

P.S. Did you know that cable TV is the greatest time-waster since the advent of the personal computer? Or, is it the other way around?